Calm down. Take a deep breath. This is not a test. To be quite honest: it’s not even about math. It’s all about the importance of life. Is it really so plain as 2+2=4 or is there some crazy algorithm in between the first integer and the equals sign? Let’s just pretend for a moment that it is so black and white that the answer to the question is that it is that simple.
Let’s just say that life is completely made up of simple math equations. How interesting does life look now? Does the black and white, the straight and narrow, the closed minded really look so great after all? We wake up in the morning, and we get into our insignificant car, to go to our insignificant job, to pay for that insignificant car and our insignificant house, all just to go to bed, wake up and do it all over again. If that is how you want to live your life then go ahead and do that. Sometimes there are shortcuts in math equations and some people don’t mind using them.
I, on the other hand, will take the long way around with that hidden algorithm that is used to find out the sum of 2 and 2. Life is made up of the little things in between. It is made up of all of the moments, the heartaches, the love, the blissful things that just make you want to close your eyes and feel something for once in your insignificant life. Maybe feeling insignificant can be a good thing sometimes. Have you ever been on a mountain top and suddenly felt like you were not the most important thing anymore? Have you ever felt like there was something bigger than just your ego? If you have, then you know the algorithm to take the long way around the equation that is in question.
Life isn’t about just taking the shortcut. It’s about learning to enjoy the power that it takes to figure it out step by amazing step. That algorithm may seem scary but if you just take the time to think it through, you will see that life is a lot more enjoyable without all the shortcuts and worrying about “where you are right now”. In life, we almost always question the path that we are taking.
There is phrase that a friend of mine always used and it resonates with me when I am scared to do the things that are really difficult in life. He said, “When in doubt, just jump”.
Hope is a difficult thing but we find ourselves doing it anyway. We constantly hope for things that just seem a little too far out of reach. Why can’t we hope for more obtainable outcomes?
We are always hoping that things will work out the way we want them to. Hope does not equate to a good outcome just as it does not equate to a bad one. We like to hold on to hope because things don’t seem so bad if we do.
Hope may be difficult when things start to get really rough. When we see our lives taking an unexpected turn and we can’t seem to find the way back, or even a turnoff point, we hope to just magically find some answers or some kind of guidance. That guidance is rarely ever handed to us and we have to work like hell to get back to where we want to be. What did hope really do for us? It didn’t really do anything but we find ourselves continuing to hold onto it anyways.
Maybe this happens because we want to give ourselves some sort of “pat on the back”. Like, somehow, we think, “I tried but it just didn’t work out the way I wanted it to”. It didn’t work out the way we wanted it to because hope is not a person or an action. Hope is a thought and it doesn’t help us to get out of the situation. It only helps to make us feel like we are, in someway, trying.
Don’t use hope as you’re way of trying. Make things happen for yourself and eventually you won’t have to hope for things. At that point, it’s no longer us hoping for what we want. It ends up as us fighting for the things that we want instead of sitting back and waiting for things to happen all on their own.
They always say that I am rude or mean. I always tell them I am brutally honest. Am I lying to them? Am I trying to just justify the things that I say? Am I somehow just trying to justify having no filter?
Sometimes being honest can be hurtful but isn’t it necessary to let people know how you feel or what you are thinking? Sometimes things just seem to tumble out of my mouth and through the ears of the unfortunate. I feel, sometimes, that I need to constantly filter my thoughts before I attempt to say anything. It seems to be a lot of effort just to be so careful with my thoughts.
People always say that I am mean or rude; I really wish they understood that it is not my intention to be so blatantly mean. I never would intentionally hurt somebody. Sometimes thoughts just roll out like a runaway train and they don’t seem to stop. My intentions are always for people to know how I’m feeling but never to feel like they are being judged or that they are being put down.
Should I really try to explain myself or should I just accept the fact that I am rude? I sometimes feel that I should just lay back and take it, just let people see me as mean and go about my day-to-day life. I want to explain myself to people but when I do I sometimes feel as if they might be right, like I’m just lying to myself to make me feel better about the fact.
On the surface, I laugh it off but beneath that there is a lot of anxiety that comes along with constantly being told that I am rude or disrespectful. I never feel like what I say has hit that extent but maybe it has. The constant worry that what I say is going to hurt someone’s feelings is a terrible burden. It makes me not want to say anything at all so why speak? Why talk if I am just going to be put down? I fight all the time just to be myself and to feel some sort of acceptance.
Maybe I just need to stick with the people that understand that I am not trying to be hurtful but really just being myself in a society that has made it so hard. I can just continue doing what I am doing and hope that I can just surround myself with the people that get it or I can constantly reserve myself and be that fly on the wall that is barely seen and almost never heard.
This is my conclusion: I will just stay true to who I am. No matter what I am to other people, I have to know who I am to ME.
I created this blog to let people know that there are others who have lived life in a similar way, have lived the same sort of lifestyle, or have gone through similar situations. I found myself missing the guidance and somebody to relate my own experiences to. Sometimes we need to feel like we are accepted or that there is someone out there that just seems to understand. They just get it.
Something I always remind people of when talking to them is, “I may not fully understand what you are going through because I have not been through this exact situation but I can be here for you to listen and I can try to relate it to what I have been through”. The best way that I know how to help is to relate.
By writing this blog I hope to be able to give a lot of lost souls someone to relate to. I am lost myself but, what I can hope, is that there are people willing to go on this journey with me.